Musings

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.

-anais nin

Dawn, I feel you girl…

Recently I watched an episode of Making the Band 4, and Dawn truly touched me. It was the episode where they revisited her past in New Orleans. The aftermath that so many, like her, have faced since Hurricane Katrina. Dawn is one of the lucky ones that was able to embark on a path that allows her to channel her emotions in such a creative and wonderful way.

What touched me most was watching this girl struggle with letting her emotions out, for everyone, the whole world to see. It hit so close to home. While our stories are quite different, the emotional aftermath is very much alike. I won’t get into why today… but, I know what it feels like to retreat within myself. I prefer to keep things bottled in. The moment I think that I have let too much out… I panic and want to close it all in once more. I feel like no one really wants to know my pain. I don’t even want to face it… So, why place the burden on anyone else?

My favorite thing in the world to do is laugh. I joke all of the time. When I converse with people, socially, every other thing out of my mouth is a joke. I think that I am funny, and I know that the people around me, at the very least, find me amusing. My sense of humor probably the best quality that I have… But, at the same time… I am at a lost as to what to do to manage the hurt that I keep buried. I do all I can to ignore it, pretend it’s not there… but it never goes away.

I posted a bullentin the other day asking what to do to fill the void. The hollow that I feel even when I am laughing. At times, the pain is just randomly triggered throughout the day… Something someone says, something on television. Witnessing interactions between other families. Sometimes even a certain scent will cause the memories to flood me… Anytime I smell freshly cut grass, I think of the very first nice house that we moved into… back in Louisiana. Sometimes it is a nice memory… but most often, it just hurts and I have to tell myself that my parents are gone… and nothing will ever bring them back.

I have to move on. To get through the pain…. but, I just don’t know how. And… more importantly, I am scared to.

-The Demonic Vixen

P.S. I want a Q! (Dawn, you better jump on that!)

A random musing from the Vixen

The Bad Girls Club: The Ultimate Look into the Lives of the Miserable and Insecure.

How do you define a Bad Girl?

Someone who is tough?

Someone who is daring?

Someone who is promiscuous?

Someone who live their lives minute to minute?

Someone who doesn’t let anything or anybody hurt them?

Someone who has no regards for anyone, not even themselves?

Someone who doesn’t let silly emotions like compassion, empathy or sympathy get in their way?

Each week, millions of women, men and children (and those in between) get the opportunity to watch the ultimate in human train-wrecks and mental breakdowns — I mean, it’s like Britney Lohan, without any of the uber fame or money. I know for me, personally, it’s always an instant “fix” to any problems that I am currently face in my day to day life… Oh, the selfishness of it all!

Let me tell you, when I watch this show, my inner psychologist can not help but to kick in – or more accurately, my inner judgmental-ism begins to flare up, and go into overdrive. I sit there on the edge of my seat, and I watch it… I wait for it… I crave “it” with a lust that I normally reserve for those lucky enough to be on the receiving end of it…

You know that moment. The one where you can sit back with satisfaction; a self-righteous, holier-than-THOU, smirk on your face and say, “that bitch is pathetic! Ugh! She’s so STUPID! What an IDIOT! Sorry excuse of a… (you fill in the blank.)”It is always in that moment that you know that there are at least some people on this planet that you are actually better than.

But, are you really? Perhaps YOU are, but I am not so sure about myself… Let me explain.

I have spent more years than I care to count trying to figure out how to love myself. Searching for the self-worth that so many others seem to have, but I could only hope to one day attain. One thing I could fall back on was my “brainpower.” I would say that I consider myself to be relatively intelligent and have a decent level of common sense that I feel has definitely come in handle. The problem lies in the fact that I have spent many a day using that as, what I’ll call, a Psychological Weapon of Mass Destruction!

Now, if you were to ask me, back then, I would have claimed up and down that I was the most compassionate person in the world. That you wouldn’t find a person with the ability to “walk in other peoples shoes,” the way that I could. But one day, not too long ago – I realized that deep down, I was really no different than the ladies of the Bad Girls Club. Sure, I would never pee in someones sink (especially if it is a sink that I use) No, I wouldn’t pour hot sauce in their juice. I wouldn’t tear up pictures of their loved ones, I wouldn’t scream in their faces that they were ugly, fat, stupid, or pathetic…

But, that simply was not, is not, not my style.

My preference is… was to get to people on a psychological level. Where I could wreak havoc on their psych-y and bring them down to size, so to speak… In other words, I am much more passive aggressive. Carefully phrasing things where they would not recognize the full impact until later… Evil. Mean. Spiteful. I was miserable, and by golly, I was going to make sure that at least ONE person I encountered would feel the same way.

So, have I seen the light? I would like to think so. Bad habits are hard to break. It’s become almost second-nature for me to interact with certain individuals and place myself on a pedestal over them. “I’m smarter than you… I’m BETTER than you…” Parts of me honestly feel that way.

Now that I am growing, I can honestly say that I know the true meaning of the saying: Misery Loves Company. I never thought that I was one of those people. Someone who goes out of their way to make others around them feel less than adequate, to make them feel lonely, ugly, unwanted, dumb, scared…. and well, miserable. But turns out, in my own way, I am.

Again I ask, how do YOU define a Bad girl?

in·se·cure (ĭn’sĭ-kyŏŏr’) Pronunciation Key
adj.

1. Not sure or certain; doubtful: unemployed and facing an insecure future.
2. Inadequately guarded or protected; unsafe: A shortage of military police made the air base insecure.
3. Not firm or fixed; unsteady: an insecure foothold.
4. 1. Lacking stability; troubled: an insecure relationship.
   2. Lacking self-confidence; plagued by anxiety: had always felt insecure at parties.

mis·er·a·ble (mĭz’ər-ə-bəl, mĭz’rə-) Pronunciation Key
adj.

1. Very uncomfortable or unhappy; wretched.
2. Causing or accompanied by great discomfort or distress: a miserable climate.
3. Mean or shameful; contemptible: a miserable trick.
4. Wretchedly inadequate: lived in a miserable shack; fed the prisoners miserable rations.
5. Of poor quality; inferior: miserable handicraft.

That about sums it up for me.

-The Demonic Vixen

If I

say that i’m under the weather

am i lying if

there are no clouds

in the sky

if i

break away

run astray

will i still be here

beneath the burning

red sun

gazing

now, i can see

if i say that i’m feeling blue

am i lying

if

the sky’s another hue

i lie me down

turn around

now let me go…

i’m not lying

anymore

i’m not flying

anymore

i’m not dying

anymore

i’m not buying it

i’m not giving in

never were my friend

lost, but not found

i’m under the weather

but i do feel better

now….

A random musing from the Vixen