Recently I watched an episode of Making the Band 4, and Dawn truly touched me. It was the episode where they revisited her past in New Orleans. The aftermath that so many, like her, have faced since Hurricane Katrina. Dawn is one of the lucky ones that was able to embark on a path that allows her to channel her emotions in such a creative and wonderful way.

What touched me most was watching this girl struggle with letting her emotions out, for everyone, the whole world to see. It hit so close to home. While our stories are quite different, the emotional aftermath is very much alike. I won’t get into why today… but, I know what it feels like to retreat within myself. I prefer to keep things bottled in. The moment I think that I have let too much out… I panic and want to close it all in once more. I feel like no one really wants to know my pain. I don’t even want to face it… So, why place the burden on anyone else?

My favorite thing in the world to do is laugh. I joke all of the time. When I converse with people, socially, every other thing out of my mouth is a joke. I think that I am funny, and I know that the people around me, at the very least, find me amusing. My sense of humor probably the best quality that I have… But, at the same time… I am at a lost as to what to do to manage the hurt that I keep buried. I do all I can to ignore it, pretend it’s not there… but it never goes away.

I posted a bullentin the other day asking what to do to fill the void. The hollow that I feel even when I am laughing. At times, the pain is just randomly triggered throughout the day… Something someone says, something on television. Witnessing interactions between other families. Sometimes even a certain scent will cause the memories to flood me… Anytime I smell freshly cut grass, I think of the very first nice house that we moved into… back in Louisiana. Sometimes it is a nice memory… but most often, it just hurts and I have to tell myself that my parents are gone… and nothing will ever bring them back.

I have to move on. To get through the pain…. but, I just don’t know how. And… more importantly, I am scared to.

-The Demonic Vixen

P.S. I want a Q! (Dawn, you better jump on that!)

A random musing from the Vixen